[N A JOKE FACTORY.
AN HOUR SPENT WITH MARSHALL P.
WILDER-
How Fun [11 Prepared For the Laughter-
A Few of the Noted
The Repair
Loving Public.
Humorlst’s Latest Jokes.
Department. «
The public is metty well acquainted
with Marshall I’. Wilder as a humorist
and entertainer; but people who have
heard him run-‘wild in an evening of
miscellaneous funmaking are hardly
prepared to be told that he is one of
the most methodical and systematic
of mortals.
The late IVilliam Davidge, the actor.
was one of the most systematic men
that ever lived. He was constantly
keeping books with himself. If he in-
vested five cents in carfare. bought a
newspaper, had a shave, shampoo, or
haircut, it all went down in his books.
When he died it was disclosed that he
had kept an itemized account of every .
penny earned and expended, and a"
record of every mile traveled during
the twenty—five years and more that
he was on the stage, up to the very
day of his death on board a railroad
train, en route to play in San Fran-
cisco. By examining this wonderful
record one could see exactly where
Davidge was on any given day dur—
ing his long professional career, and
how much it cost him.
Mr. Wilder’s system does not include
the petty outlays of everyday life, but
he has a way of systematizing his bus,-
iness that is hardly less complete than
that of Davidge. All the good jokes,
stories, and anecdotes. for example, he
labels and lays away, as a bugologist
would a strange new specimen of
beetle or butterfly. It can be said of
\Vilder that he can put his hand on
any particular joke or story at any
hour of the night without striking a
match. He has jokes and jokelets,
Storie! and anecdotes, labeled, indexed
and cross—indexed. and :can turn in-
stantly to any given dog or cat story
of any stated breed or color.
The little joker’s business system in-
cludes an index of every person of
prominence he meets, and turning to
his books he can tell at a glance just
how much he is indebted to ‘any par-
ticular individual forcontributions to
his jund of jokes.
“Harrison—Harrison—Harrlson,” re-
iterated W’ilder as he ran his twink-
ling eyes down the long list of H’s;
“it Seems to me I have heard of that
name somewhere. Ah. here it is.
‘Harrison, Benjamin, President of the
United States.’ I was almost sure I
had heard it somewhere. ”
Mr. VV'ilder grew re miniscent for a
moment.
“First time I met Benjamin Harrison
was in the \Vhite House. I carried a
letter from his son. I didn’t want an '
oflice. had no claim to an oflice, and of
course I was a little out of my atmos-
phere. ‘How do you do. Mr. Presi-
lent?’ ‘How do you do, Mr. W'ildcr?‘
hat was all. Not a joke or a funny
tory. Not a word about 'the weather.
1’0t 3. word about the crops. I waited
1ong enough for the President to lim-
er up; he didn’t limber. I withdrew
ith great dignity, pausing only long
1n0ugh in the waitingroom to request
Private Secretary Halford to kick me
itli great severity.”
W'ilder had a later meeting with ,
I'resident Harrison. some of the par— §
iculars of which are best told by an-
ther. It occurred when W. J. Arkell
-ntertained President Harrison at Mt.
IcGregor.
fuests. The party was on its way
oown to the village. “Mr. President,”
aid the little humorist, with mock
'ravity. “I regret the fact exceedingly.
ut I feel sure there will be a large
oncourse of people down here to greet
a e. I understand they have a brass
mud and I fear they will raise a great
iullabaloo. I sincerely trust the cheer-
ng and noise generally will not dis-
urb your Excellency.”
When the party reached the foot of
.he mountain there were carriages to
ecelve them. and the inevitable crowd
0 cheer the President. The band, of
nurse, struck up “ tail to the Chief.”
y some misunderstanding on the part
f the cabby who drove Wilder—or
vas it by Wilder’s own hocus pocus?
the crowd fell apart for him. Hats
verc swung, haudkerchiefs fluttered,
nd 1he air was split with cheers.
\ildt 11"s quick wit enabled him to
vize the situation by the horns. Hat
11 hand. he bowed to the right and
1ft. and, as they say on the stage,
took the whole scene.”
as all his own.
W'ilder’s joke foundry is an inter—
sting place. The walls of his library
The Alpine. on Broadway. are lit-
rally papercd with
elebrated men and women. most of
1hich bear the autographs of the origi- “
1115. with some pleasant greeting to
e “prince of entertainers.”
leveland dubbed him—“the entertain-
of Princes”—as he dubbed himself.
“How are jokes made?”
“Jokes are like poets,” said Wilder,
they are born. not made. They de-
1lop. They e'volute. There is a grub
d then there is a butterfly. Julius
aesar compiled a book of puns, but
1 never made a joke. even though he
as the victim of a few. Every great
1ent has its jokes. The greater the
1am. no matter 110w serious, the more
kes. They drop around and spring
everywhere. The late war with
-11in gave birth to more jokes than
y event since the flood.
“Here are a few:
“ ‘The Madrid Government is trying .
1rd to keep the Bible out of Spain.’
“ ‘Why?’
“ ‘So that the Spanish people will not
10w the exact strength of Sampson.’
“That’s bad. of course; but it’s a war
kc, and we had to accept it.
“ ‘Why is Courtlandt street, in New
111. like Cuba?’
“ ‘Because it's between Liberty and,
‘Nothing could be worse than that,
The ovation ’
as Mr. ‘
; a resemblance
are about a 11311.
but It went. - here
lion 111312.11. 1 1’1: c 12111 . and the spirit of.
patriotism k: :11. them afloat. Camara’s
fleet couldn't sink one of them‘ There
, axe others not :50 bad:
“ ‘Did you c111 1y the .iorse this morn-‘
ing. Iohn?’
“ ‘Yes. s ‘.'r
" ‘Did you comb out his tail?’
“ ‘Y.cs sir.’
“ ‘Did you remember the Maine?’.
“Her’es another on the same lay:
“ Do you remember the great bliz-
zaid in New’ Ymk?’ g.)
“ ‘Oh. yes.’
“ ‘Forget it. and remember the
Maine.’ ‘
“If we have another war.” said
Wilder. “I intend to propose a war tax
on eve1y joke, and make it pay its own
way u
The humorist explained the repair
department of his factory. ,
“Sometimes a joke is a little lame.
Maybe it has the heaves, mumps.
bumps. thumps. grumps; or probably
the blind staggers. I can generally
cooper it up so that it will pass mus-
ter.
“Very often one idea serves for a
good many jokes. General Sherman
once wrote me a seven-page letter
about jokes and other solemn things.
It was by way of acknowledging a
CODY of my book, ‘People I Have
Smiled With.’ In that letter he told
the story of the Irishman who was too
much given to strong drink. ‘You
must sign the pledge and stop drink-
ing.’ said his priost. ‘or you will be so
saturated with t‘ 1 fumes of liquor that
sometime when you try to blow out a
candle your brrwth will take fire and
you will burn up.’
“ ‘Then give me the pledge,’ said
Pat, and he wrote: ‘I hereby solemnly
promise never to blow out a candle
again.’
“That is General Sherman’s story,’
continued M1. Wilder, “and here is
the way I fixed it so as to make it fit
a particular occasion:
“ ‘You must stop drinking
you’ll soon be totally blind.’
“ ‘Well,’
about everything.’
“Here is one of the latest baseball-
isms:
“ ‘A foul. a foul,’ howled a crank
from the grand s‘tand.
“ ‘Nonsense,’ said his wife. ‘I see no
feathers.’
“ ‘Of course not.
nine.’
“Speaking of Mr. Depew’s latest dog
story reminds me of another.
“ ‘Rory O’More. there,’ said an Irish-
man. pointing to his canine asleep in
the corner. ‘Rory O’More is the most
intelligent beast I ever saw. That dog
understands every blessed word I say
to hi1h.Begorra. I’m studying Ger-
Pat. or
This is a picked
. man just to see if I (an thiow him
o.ff’
“Eve1 hear the story of the great
statesman who resembled Daniel Web-
ster? A politician settled himself in
the chair of an old colored barber who
had shaved the Massachusetts states-
man and orator.
“‘They tell me. Uncle. that I 1‘9-
semble Daniel Webster. What do you
think of it?’
“ ‘Well. boss. I tink myself dat you
done reseniber my ole fren’.’
“ ‘Just in what paiticular do you see
between me and the
' <11 eat statesman?
Mr. Wilder was one of the '
L—w
photographs of .‘
‘ ‘Well. I don’ t ’zactly see de resem-
brance. boss: hit's mostly. in yo’ bref.’ ”
ROBERT W. CRISWELL.
Tackle Making.
Save shooting, no sport, perhaps, has
connected with it more steady-going
business in the way-of appliances than
has angling, audit will rather sur-
prise many ,to know that there are
hundreds of patents-some
bringing in thousands a year—dealing
with fishing appliances.
The trade, too, is notable for the
fact that, save in the making of rods
and hooks in the rough, women are the
chief workers, almost the whole of the
dainty flies and well-secured hooks be-
ing tied by girls and women, some of
whom can fabricate hundreds of trout-'
flies in a day. At least four-fifths of
the fishing tackle-making employees
are women, many of whom possibly
never saw a man fishing in their lives.
Anothe1 notable fact in connection
with the trade is that many of the
manufacturing firms have been estab-
lished for from fifty to one hundred
years. England and America — but
chiefly the former—supply the fishing
tackle of the whole world, and all the
principal manufacturers have special
stocks for India, the Australian colon-
ies, and .the most remote waters of the
globe.‘
As to patents, one man has made
a fortune out, of an artificial spinning
, bait, and another who invented so ap-
parently simple an appliance as a nov-
el kind of rod ring for the line to run
through sold the patent for $50,000.
“'here Noah 1Kept His Bees.
Dr. James K. Hosmer, while recently
visiting Boston,_ had occasion to visit
the new public libraiy. As he went up
the steps he met Edwa1d Evmctt
Hale, who asked the Doctor his e1-
rand.
‘To consult the a1chives,” was the
1eply.
“By the way, Hosmer,” said Dr.
Hale, “do you know where Noah kept
his bees?”
“No," answered Hosmer.
“In the ark hives,” said the venera-
ble preacher, as he passed out of car-
‘11
1 slmt-L‘adies’ Home Journal.
He Knew ‘What He Wanted.
“Do you want my daughter for her
money or for herself?” demanded the
old gentleman.
”It’s this way,” stammered the
young man, as he tripped backwards
over the edge of the rug. “I want her
for myself and I want her money for
herself, and I want both of them for
ourselves and you certainly must un
. , derstand. ”
«1.....- ’ _ ,_,~;‘
.._.-__.~.L ......_,..-. a
111 n 1. 14-;-
said Pat, ‘I guess I’ve seen
'of them '-
VEN
_UNCERTAINTY 0F FASHIONS: '
Summer Fabrics Displayed in Shop Win-
flows. ,,
(By special arrangement with the N. Y. Sun.)
Fashion has a variety of enticing
charms at all times and seasons; but
there is nothing else quite so fascinat-
ing after all as her unceItainity. No
sooner do we feel ourselves comfbrtab-
ly fixed for winter gowns than sum-
mer Silks, piques, batistes, organdies,
and the sheerest lawns blossom out in
the shops without any regard to tem-
perature or present needs of dress.-
Rather small patterns prevail among
the new China silks and satin-finished»
foulards, some of the prettiest being
polka dots of various sizes grouped to-
gether with scattering dots between
groups; Among the new silks of the
heavier kinds there are moires an-
tique, glosse taffetas, shiny brocades
prettily shaded in varying tints of one
color for evening wraps and gowns.
The variety in cotton robe dresses
of batistes and sheer lawns, trimmed
with embioidery and lace, is also very
tempting. as the tiouble of making
them 1111 is simplified so much by the
finished skirt, which requi1es nothing.
hot a hand. The satin finished crepe
(leg. chin» is .‘llmillf-‘l‘ material which is
Very popular and :‘1ltogctl1er lovely in
H111 new shcalli skills, which seem to
l1:1\'1-c'tome to staj. for auothei season
at least.
Just how all the pretty sunlmer fab-
rics are to madc- ap is a matter of con-
jecture at the molnult, but it is pretty
safe to so y that our thin gowns will be.
cut with a train, that ‘overdresses will
flourish, and that ruflies of every kind
and description‘will add their soft
frouqmu to the varying modes of dec-
oration. With the scant skirts and
gauzy materials ruffles are almost a
necessity to give the‘ flare and hold
1the skirt out around the feet.
I ever the ovcrskirts and tunlcs may be-
!COmc later they
VVhat-
have no proceptiblc
effect 011 the figmc yet. so far 1.3
.broadeulng it is c011ce1ncd for they
fit just as closely well below the hips
as the skirt 1111101111111‘1-11. and if they
1111113, made 11.11) long, almost coverinr1
' the skirt. they take very little from
the height.
1...\’ O
. dread of libel suits.
Ill
LELLS a. co.,
\
(1A
11:9. cowans susrsesuea
"Mr 1 1:190 not the Editor From “fell:
'01“! and Thrashings.
"'11 an ago.“ said Mr. Hal Gentry,
a! Slow ram, ‘11. certain _vpu-blication
111133051! «bite-.11 was'on Manhattan Is-
land. made a. specialty of defaming
ample- ' he .11ost scurrilous articles,
{1511111131131 lies from the whole cloth.
were this .ed about well knownaciti-
zoos and no man, hoWever high his
standin11,1.vas safe from outrageous
calmhniation. ' '
r"The proprietor of the sheet knew
that in a big city like New York few
would go to the length of seeking per-
sonal satisfaction, and he had no
Now and then,
however, an irate invidual who had
been ‘roasted,’ smarting under a sense
of wrong, would seek the oflice of the
paper bent on finding the scoundrel
who had written the injurious para-
graph with a view to punching his
face. . .
“But never was such a visitor suc-
cessful in his mission. When in bone
of blazing wrath he would demand
the" name of the author he would be
invited to some little dingy room at
the top of the house. In this boudoir
there was no human being, but on a
desk lay a woman’s hat and gloves,
and the visitor would be told thatMiss
Blank would be in presently. Miss
Blank, then, was the perpetrator of
the outrage, but how was a man to
‘ght a female, no matter how das-
tardly her misconduct.
“And thus it came to pass that a
mythical woman was used as a buffer
to mollify men who were bent on hav-
ing gore. At the worst they could
only indulge in profanity, and this
didn’t hurt anybody’s feelings about,
that establish-ment.—Washin.g-ton Post.
m...
“I don’t know that I 'need any
work done about the house. Whal
can you do, my good fellow?” _
“Sir, in my day I’ve been a. ca-rpen
tor, a barber and a school teacher. 3
can shingle your housef your hair 01
your boy.”—Chicago Tribune.
FOR THE NERVES.
Tirol, Wine oi Cod Liver (Ill, Will Be ,.
Found invaluable.
Vinol is Not Only a Body Rebuildcr,
But ,a Nerve Invigorator.
Nervous diseases lead to terrible results.
No matter whethei youi nerves have become
deranged from oveixvork insufficient noun.“
isliment or the due to a breaking down of
your general health, Vinoi should" be taken.
It invigorates the body , enables the system to
disca1d 11. .131, tissue and aids in making new
and healthy flesh tissue, thus increasing the
weight. It at the same time gives vigor and
tone to the neivcs and purities the blood.
’l‘1_v V inol and v ou will cease to know that
you he vc nerves. You will enjoy and digest
your food better,a'1d v 011 will sleep as Nature
intended y 011 should. We guarantee this and
if you do not find it is so we will refund your
mouev. V inol is most delicious to the taste.
PLAISTED’S drug store. 43 Washing-
ton St., So. N01 walk .
'Piano Lessons.
of the late Wm. R.Nash). gives eflicient
and satisfactory instructions on the P111110 at
her home.193 Mam street.
11111111111111 11:11:11 11:1,
STRICTLY PIIIIE'
Stores and famihes supplied Lowe
" rates.
I I North, Ave.
Norwalk.
WYORK, N153“? HAVEN & HARTFOHD
BAILRO
—-NEWD Your lnvxsior1
DECEMBER 4, 1898.
Twins leave South Norwalk as follows.
FOR NEW YORK —- Accommodation
trainsat 9. 36, 11:40a. 111., 1. 11, 3.04, 4.07,
5. 33, 6. 41, 8. 11,10. 20p. :11. Express trains
at 4. 55, 5.45, 6.15, (local). 6.55, (local)
7.13, (local), 7. 54, (local), 8.16, 9.03 (local)
9. 58, 10. 35, 11. 35. (local) 3. m‘. 12.47
2.25, 5.10 5.55, 7.5513. 111. For Washing
ton via. Harlem River 12. 53 a. m. (daily)
SUNDAYS—Accommodation 9.05 a. m.
5.35, (local), 7."0, (local)10.10 p. 111. E1
press 4.55, 5. 45 a.m .
FOR NEW HAVEN AND THE EAST—
Accommodation trains at. 6. 28, 7. 42,
8.46 andll.42a. m., 1.12, 2.42, (ton’t,
4.18, 5.,27 6.,27 7.28 (to B’pt), 915
and 11.15 p. m. Express trains at 1.11
1.20 9.11, 10.05, 11.08 a. 111., 12.02, 3.05
5.04 (Naugatuck Express) 7.05, 9:05
v
p.111
SUNDAYS -Accommodation7.2,4 9.12
a‘. m. and“ 1. 15p. to. Express 111 and
1.203.. m.
C. T. HEMPSTEAD. Gen. Pass. Agents
N ews. and Opinions
“or——
National Importance,‘
The ISUN
ALONE
CONTAINS BOTH.
Daily, by mum? ...... '. ...$6 a year
.98 a year
The Sunday SUN
is the greatest Sunday Newspaper in
the world.
Daily and Sunday, by mail. .
, L..—
Prlce 5c a copy. By mail $2 a 31:1 '
Address 11111: sun, N... York
Rs. GEORGE w. BRADLEY, (daughter,
lll'l 1TH
. llals Il1gl11.M11lam.
the fionly VVash1no1 Pow-
dcr that has a cake of
Toilet Soap in each ‘1
package is . *—
Vorine
WASHING POWDER
made by
The 1‘. B. Williams' Co., Glastonbury, Ct.,
Makers of Williams' Famous Shaving
Soaps, the best guarantee of superiority. 1‘
Every packvavge contains a. mire of Williams’
Choice hite Gcha’rine Toilet Soap
.The sudden Epidemic of Grip has startled the (301.1le
try. The doctors confess they have no sure Cure for
for it, and this' 18 seen to be true in the sudden death
of Garcia and EX-Senator Brice and the alarming 1n-
crease In the death rate.
I razilian Balm.
N0 fatal disease of Grip was ever known where
BIIIIZILIIII Bill was promptly used
It kills the germs, arrests the progress of the disease at,
once, and takes all the evil effects out of the system.
Colds, Grip, InfluenZa,
Old Coughs, Asthin
V'Catarrh.Pleurisv,‘Bronchiti '
11111111111101 REMEDY.
1.
_ \AAAAAAAAII
For Sale by j“ . . .' 1 ' _
EDWARD P. WEED, Wall Street
\
WE BECOME SOLE SURETY ON ALL BONDS
If You Want a Bond
As Executor, Trustee, Administrator. Guardian, Re
ceive'r, Assignce or in Replevin, Attachment Cases,
etc., As a Letter Carrier, As a Contractor, As a
United States Official, As State, County, Town or
City Official, As an Officer of a Fraternal Society
As an employee of a Bank ,Corporation or Mercantile
establishment, , -: - .:-
The" Fldellly 8 Deposit Company
DF MARYLAND, lllLL FURNISH IT.
118‘ Don’t Give or Accept Personal Surety.
WILLIAM H. BYINGTON, Agent
GaZette Building, N orwalk, Conn
”‘11:
1’. 1 .1. 1.1
GET YOUR ,.
B , RINTI
' " AT THE
GAZETTE 0111110].
11111 11411; 11111 111110131111111'1‘
.._.._J
Norwalk Chronicler